If You Can’t Stand the Heat……

Here in the pacific north by northwest, we have a little problem with some fires that are having a party on the right side of the state. Things have gotten out of hand and real tragedies have happened.

But…

…now there’s all these people running around on the left side of the state saying that Global Climate Change, the artist formerly known as Global Warming, is the real deal and we all need to stop burning coal and oil, stop cow flatulence and basically become Amish.

While I do like those straw hats—and the beards and suspenders are kinda cool too—I draw the line at taking cold showers.

I had a sister growing up who used all the hot water…I’ve taken my last cold shower.

So intrepid reporter that I am, I poured a stiff drink, and coal-fired up the internet machine to find out what’s what. And there’s is some “what” out there.

First, the search term “Hot Planet” isn’t as interesting as it should be.

Really Google, you need to try harder.

Second, there is no agreement that this climate stuff is real. Why an entire 3% of scientists don’t think that the warm feeling we have is due to human activities.That’s right three whole percent.

Oh and if you think 97 percent is an overwhelming majority, just remember only Christopher Columbus believed the earth was round.

And James Inhofe has a snowball.

I win.

And even if the seas rise and drown the planet, and Waterworld suddenly doesn’t seem as stupid as it really was, there is a recently discovered phenomenon that will make it all ok: garbage islands.

Human ingenuity is boundless!

For the sake of argument, let’s say that the 97% of climate scientists who aren’t on the take are correct. Just for now.

Then there are all these floating garbage islands that we can live on. Hey, that sounds ok. As long as we can burn whale fat to heat water so I can have a hot shower, I’m cool with it.

Think of it as a big floatie for you and all your friends to hang out on. Maybe get a tan. Swim in the new and improved ocean. No sand in your shorts.

See there’s an upside.

And once Kevin Coster got rid of that one-eyed guy, the rest seemed like it could fun. Right?

 

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