So Be It Resolved…

empty bottles

Like alcohol through our digestive system, so are the days of our lives

In the year of two thousand and sixteen:

  1. I resolve to not kill anyone. I’ve never killed anyone–or even tried to– so I have a pretty good track record on this. Unlike some
  2. I resolve to control my guns. They will be kept very firmly controlled. I’m thinking tightly bound in studded leather. Do cap pistols count?
  3. I resolve to not use my wealth and power to subvert our democracy. I don’t have any so this is going to be easy. Care to join me brothers Koch? How about you Mr. Adelson? Mr. Soros? Hello?
  4. I resolve to participate in any same sex marriage ceremonies I am invited to. I can eat cake, drink booze and dance if there’s enough booze. And I totally do not care who is in love with whom. As long as they’re happy, I’m ok with it. I am pro-love. There I said it. But I will not participate in any weddings that I am not invited to. I draw the line there.
  5. I resolve to not immigrate. No wall necessary. I swear. Unless a certain comb-over clown ends up winning in November. Then I am so out of here…..
  6. I resolve to not change the climate. I will leave the thermostat set at whatever my wife wants it set to.
  7. I resolve to not force my opinion, my preferred form of government or my religion–whatever that means–on anybody. Of course if you’re reading this then you are getting my opinion. But I didn’t make you come here, now did I?

Those are some resolutions I wish we would all keep.




  1. I snorted with laughter at #6.


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