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News From the White Side of the Planet

White People Win!

In a grueling multi-hour event, white people won the 88th Academy Awards. Despite there being fierce caucasian competition, white people walked away with all the Oscars this year.

In a moment of nostalgia, Chris Rock said:

“This is the 88th Academy Awards. So this whole ‘no black nominees’ thing has happened at least 71 other times.” Rock said black Americans didn’t made a fuss about it back then because they had more important things to worry about.

“We were too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematographer,” he said. “When your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, it’s really hard to care about best documentary foreign short.”
– via CNN

“It’s about time white people started winning again!” shouted a white person who would only identify himself as “DT.” “We have been marginalized and shunted off center stage for too long now.” He denounced the House as only 80% white and the Senate as only 94% white. “You call that fair representation? And don’t get me started on the Whitehouse.”

He went on to thank the Oscars for making America great again.

White People Wine!

In a fit of sovereign blanc, the EU seems to be coming uncorked. It appears that when you mix white people’s countries with enough immigrants from the lower parts of the planet the blend is unpalatable.

Britain’s Prime Muenster, Sir Cheddar of White Cross, is trying to keep the union together but he is facing stiff opposition. Many fear that Sir Cheddar is not sharp enough. And there is a definite brut-like bouquet luft-wafting from the continent.

Topping it all off, the press has coined a celebriname for it: “Brexit.”

That seats this mess at the table next to “Bennifer.”

I think we know how this ends….

And Finally…White People Win Again!

After tomorrow–Super Tuesday’s Media Madness–white people will once again be assured of winning the Presidency. For eight long years, white intolerant middle-class people (WIMPs) have been on the outside looking in. But after Dr. Ben awakes from his sleepwalk around the country, there will be no choice for America but white people.

Ok, there are two Cubans. One of which was born in Canada—which is even whiter than US. And the water-boy, Rudy, or Rubio, or something like that. Sure he’ll get put-in for the last meaningless play of the game, and who knows, maybe he’ll even be given a Koch as a consolation prize.

But we all know who wins this time.

In a white out!

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