Well that happened…
Now that the end times are upon us, those of us who were left behind by the white rapture need to figure out how to survive the hell that looms just past the new year and beyond.
Fortunately dear readers, your
intrepid inebriated host has had a lot of experience living in deeply red states.
So here’s what you need to learn:
- Lying. It is essential to your survival. Practice in the mirror with phrases like “Lock her up!” And “Build the wall!” Yelling helps sell the lie. Added reality points if you can learn to froth at the mouth.
- Sell your imported car immediately. Don’t ask questions just do it. Buy a pick up or muscle car. The more it looks like something out of a really bad southern TV show the better. And put on a Trump bumper sticker ASAP!!!
- Never ever eat kale. Or vegetables. Or anything that looks like vegetables. And for god’s sake get rid of those frozen veggie burgers in your freezer.
- Learn to pretend to love mass produced beer. I know. This is really painful, but if they catch you drinking some craft brewed deliciousness even your Make America Great Again hat isn’t going to save you. Drink this and look like you like it.
- Which reminds me…dress the part. Every character has to appear authentic. Here is a useful link for picking out your new wardrobe. Oh and you might want to have a tooth or two removed, just for good measure.
- Buy a gun. Or better yet buy a lot of guns. Just don’t buy any ammunition. No one will know and you’ll be safe from the most common form of gun death.
- Provide shelter for your friends who “can’t pass” for Trumplodytes. Think The Diary of Anne Frank. That ended well, right? I fell asleep before the end.
- Unlearn words. Most of them. You’re not going to need them and a good vocabulary is going to give you away. And for good measure misspell stuff too. You kin never b to careful.
- And lastly, never, ever, ever, never tell anyone who you really voted for. You never know who’s a member of Trump’s Waffel Haus SS.
Be safe my friends.